Things that I wish the younger me would understand…….
Just turned 30 this year and it made me reflect on a few things I wish I knew when I was younger, growing up and struggling with my identity, in a stereotypical surrounding, I faced a lot of challenges, made mistakes and owned up to them, living life and learning from my darkest and lowest points in life, I hope this article will help young girls learn, although I strongly advocate for learning through experiences, I just feel like having someone to shape the way for you, can be helpful……..Enjoy the read peeps…
Thinking that my happiness came from the ability to travel to new destinations, certain people and material things. I learned that I had a problem, staying in one place for long, I was never comfortable at home or in one specific place for too long(specifically jobs),well this had its advantages, as with my impatience and the lack of settlement in one place, it led me to take risks that eventually contributed to career growth which in turn gave me financial independence. From my travelling I got exposure, it became therapeutic for me and a learning experience, from cultural diversities to meeting amazing people and networking.
Happiness is self-made and should come from within, don’t ever think that a person or a thing can fill this void.
Being too available in both relationships and friendships, basically being too nice and always trying to go out of my way for people. The amount of people I eventually came to outgrow when I learned boundaries and prioritized my peace and the number of disappointments that came with it gave me a thorough experience(lets call it panel beating lol….) due to this nothing can ever shake me or put me down.
Normalise setting boundaries and saying NO without having to explain yourself…You Don’t Owe Anyone an Explanation!!
Not being picky with people I let into my space. As much as I had a certain standard of what kind of people could access my personal space, I forgot to shield myself from toxicity and getting emotionally drained in the process. Relationship balance is very important, this can basically make or break you.
Learn how to let people in, but in turn protect your inner space. Cut off people when they overstep their boundaries, Unapologetically.
Putting up with less than I deserved. Basically, letting my emotions get the best of me and thinking that my attachment to people and things would never break. Being afraid to let go and start over and being transparent, sharing too much with seasonal people that led to forming attachments that were toxic. We unknowingly give soo much power to people to manipulate and emotionally abuse us. We should own our ability to be strong enough to stand up for ourself and our worth and learn the difference between connection and attachment. Connection gives you power, attachment. sucks the life out of you.
Know your worth and value. Period!!! Once you master self control and detachment, nobody can phase you.
Not dealing with my childhood traumas early enough. It took me a full blown emotional/mental breakdown to realise the importance of healing from traumas that build up as you grow up. I cannot emphasise enough the importance of therapy in this modern age, as africans we tend to put a blind eye when it comes to seeking professional help and dealing with issues in our homes, surroundings, anything that triggered your childhood be it a broken family, sexual assault or even parents that were unstable(always verbally fighting, domestic violence, drug addicts….etc) . A friend I trusted once told me that your starting to have white people problems and I felt this was the most ignorant statement that could ever come out of a learned person, when I told them that I was undergoing depression. We need to break such stereotypes. I struggled with depression, anxiety and pain for the longest time, but I was good at putting on a mask, I hid it from my friends, not even my family knew what I was going through….I drowned myself in work or the gym, that was my therapy.
Its Okay not to be Okay. Heal from it rather than drown from it.
Letting my emotions control my relationships, especially my relationship with my late father, I should have worked on building that bond, trying to understand why he acted the way he did rather than resenting him. This did play a big role in the types of relationships that I would attract thinking that, that was the kind of love I needed. Every daughter would love to have an unbreakable bond with their father, for a firstborn, I was that girl until I wasn't due to circumstances that I didn’t have control over.
Gather the courage to face your fears and fix broken relationships, know the difference between who to cut off and who to be patient with.
Not making myself a priority and carrying people’s burdens on my head, especially family matters, overthinking situations, there are things that we are not in control of and we have to let go and understand our potential to carry these burdens and knowing when we have had enough, as a human you can only handle enough without feeling overwhelmed.
Learn to live things to the almighty as he is the ultimate planner and only he has control over situations. Embrace being selfish with your energy.
Putting an effort where I was receiving less than 50%. Never again will I go to places that I am certainly not invited, appreciated, celebrated and required, this applies to jobs, friendships, relationships and family. You eventually, realise your true friends as you grow, whose fake and whose real. You understand yourself better than you did when you were younger and eventually figuring out what you want and need in life, pushing you to the people that really matter and those that will reciprocate the energy and the love.
Only give what you receive, unless its charity and its to a good cause.
Allowing society and the people around me to dictate my life’s decisions, how to react around them and how to live my life. Growing up a muslim I had to face stereotypes and peoples understanding of how a muslim girl should portray herself, coming from a girl that was high on dreams and rebellion I had to live some type of way and it made me miserable. I eventually discovered my full potential by defying these stereotypes and leaving by my means.
If they don’t feed you, pay your bills or contribute to your growth, their opinion of you doesn’t matter. I never saw anyone who died from not giving a shit!! Let go and Let loose….
Take that leap and do what makes you happy cause, you only got one life to live and you can’t ever go back to change things, never look back at what should have been rather work on a better future, greatly invest in becoming a better person, I cannot emphasise enough on the importance of personal growth. If you don’t like a person cut them off, if you hate that job quit and look for something you love, it’s never that serious and lastly……….Its definitely better to be over the hill than buried under it.
Written by Buthaina Al-Makii
